June 3rd, 2013

So this entry covers my feelings about my friends and how sometimes it takes a good friend or the example of a friend to wake you up to what you are missing.

Friendships are just another type of relationship, so when you look back at your relationships count how many of them were bad and find the common denominator. You may, in exploring this, find that you are in fact that common denominator. What is it about you that makes all your relationships fail?

So I noticed that my “best friend” took me off Facebook and took herself off my wedding Facebook page, which is where I am coordinating ideas for my wedding. Without even having a conversation with me she vanished. I am guessing, and I don’t know, if I am even invited to her wedding at this time.

It got me to think about something very key in this very one-way relationship.  I seem to gravitate and allow these one-way relationships in my life. I consider the relationship with my sister to be the same way: one-way.

So I am going to look at all my past relationships (the good, the bad, the ugly) and try to summarize them in just a few sentences to see if I can find patterns and figure out anything of use to me in my journey.

My mother:  My mother was the epitome of love, warmth, faith, hope, and forgiveness to me in everything she did.  From her I learned to accept people on the basis of their hearts and not so much on what they present themselves on the outside. I also learned to never give up and to forgive as much as possible. That I have the right to be mad for a while but I do not have the right to hang on to hate. I learned to give 50 cents for every dollar I make to those in need and to give my time which is better than my money. From her I learned that cheating is not an option that I can live with in my marriage.

My father: My father was a brilliant, astute business man who had a lot of old-world ideas into raising children. He internalized a lot of his insecurities that no one ever knew existed. And he desperately sought praise and acceptance in anything that would give it to him — from cars to women to planes to houses.  From him I learned the value of a dollar, I learned to work hard for everything I want or need and to share that wealth with those around me that are less fortunate. From him I learned that cheating is not an option that I can live with in my marriage.

My sister: My sister was smart, funny, and filled with amazing talent. I think that what I learned the most from her was that there are supernatural beings in the world and that not all of them, in fact the majority of them, were evil. She taught to see beyond what was there. Through her 6th sense, I developed a strong bond with my own brothers past their human existence. I saw many things as a child, but it is this that has probably defined me the most. And I know people do not believe in that not want to, but I cannot deny that part of my life. It is also my sister who taught me to question everything and to rebel against the boundaries of a box; a box my father tried to put her in. I also learned to sing from my sister.

My first boyfriend Ricky: I learned that when two people, no matter how young or old, have a connection so intense that they more than likely will always have that if they are around each other. Even 10 years later. Ricky and I connected because of our need to be loved. I will never regret knowing him or anything that went on between us. I had to make some tough decisions in that relationship, and one of the toughest was to walk away. Tough lesson for a 14-15 year old. What I learned from Ricky is its okay to want more.

The love of my life, Luke: Luke was very much like my sister had been… smart (unhumanly smart), funny, and filled with amazing talent. It was Luke who taught me to love unconditionally because that’s how he loved me: unconditionally. When we were young, after my brief relationship with Ricky, Luke and I were the best of best friends. And I know people will not believe this but Luke and I were strictly plutonic for the first 4-5 years we knew each other. Luke taught me patience, which is still hard for me to find. He taught to explore my sexuality and he taught me to look at myself as a beautiful human being. He was the one I could never leave behind and I was that to him.

The second love of my life, Jake: Jake and I had our issues at first. But he learned through me to look on the inside first and he saw right through into me, much like Luke had. Jake was raised in a family filled with love, but one that struggles to really open up and get deep and be emotional. As such Jake’s own ability to get in touch with his feelings and communicate his feelings to others was severely stunted. What I have learned from him has been the ability to separate my feelings from logic. He makes me look at everything from a different point of view and that helps me be introspective. He loves me for the person I was, the person I am, and all that I can become. He sees all of that in me. I see myself through his eyes and he completes me in every single way a woman can be completed.  He truly is the other half of me.

My college boyfriend, Jason: Jason was a super model. He was beautiful on the outside and he longed to become beautiful on the inside. I was a figure skater and while I was thin back then, I was athletic and very much had my Spanish curves. He chose me. I was not the woman that his mother pictured him with. That was always a point of contention in our relationship. His mother wanted him with a blond, sexy, thin French supermodel, because that’s how she saw her son. He surprised her though when his grandfather died and his mother was given full rights to the family business. He chose his family over me. He could have stayed in the states and married me — my father would have loved that (because he wasn’t Luke) — but he chose to take on the family business along his mother. It was a very difficult thing for him because he wanted to be with me, something awful I think even more than I wanted to be with him. I was always one foot in, one foot out because my heart really did belong to Luke. Jason was the appropriate choice but Luke was my heart’s choice. What I learned from Jason was no matter how much money you have or how rich you are, nothing can fill your soul that is paid with a credit card. Only the love of a good lover can truly complete you.

My former best friend Wendy: Wendy was funny and secure in herself and oozed personality. When I first met her, in middle school mind you, she was like an epicenter of strength and vitality. People were immediately drawn to her despite her outwardly appearance, which was very heavy-set. She was not afraid to fight for love. She wanted to be loved the RIGHT way and wasn’t shy about letting you know what that way was. When she met Shawn, I knew that would be the love of her life. And she fought hard for that love. It was that love that compelled me to buy her a brand new almost $26,000 Honda Civic for her and her son. I am no longer close with her because there is nothing in her that I recognize anymore. There is no strength or confidence or fight in her. She’s let other men treat her poorly and the Wendy I knew wouldn’t even let those men touch her. She’s lost a lot of self-worth. Its my hope she finds it again. What I learned from Wendy is wear your own skin proudly.

My former friend Debbie: Debbie was so optimistic when I first met her. She had hope for everything to turn out good. It was intoxicating to be around her. She made me believe in hope and gave me a bit of her faith. I loved her for that. But then she met her first husband and I feel everything about her changed. It seemed that she was so desperate to leave her surroundings at home (her step father was a monster who treated her poor mom and her so terribly!!!) that she clung onto Steve and his family to make it all right for her. But that unfortunately came crashing down for her. I tried hard to give her a chance at something — bought her a $13,000 almost new truck (the one she wanted with an extended cab for little Steven to fit in) and gave her $10,000 in cash towards a down payment on her own house. But that never happened. We lost touch but I do think of her fondly and we reconnected on Facebook, and she’s happily remarried. What I learned from Debbie is to hold on tight to hope and keep your head up. I hope she’s still as optimistic as she was when I first met her.

My (I guess) former best friend Jennifer: What attracted me to Jennifer in the first place was she really seemed broken. She had just had a baby who was only 4-5 months old by a guy she was completely in love with. But he had ran away from this child, from her — still does. That broke her, and I am not sure she’s ever been fixed. I felt for her, and it was that moment that I decided to adopt her as my sister. She just really needed a big sister. But I have to come to terms that this was my decision, not hers. She has never seen me in that same way. Nor does she have good examples of what that type of relationship should be. Her brother is horrible (most of the time) to her and her parents have both made it very difficult for her to learn what good love is about. This carries on to her own relationships.  I know I have to separate from her, but what hurts me above everything is the kids.  How I love her children is the way a “Titi” loves her niece and nephew, and I hope she never takes that away. I know Christian loves me, but Jadyn is young and impressionable. What I learned from Jennifer is to stand on my own two feet and have valid, visible reasons to love a man. You shouldn’t have to tell your friends and family why your boyfriend is good for you… they should see it for themselves everyday when they look at him.

My dear friend Jay: Jay and I had not talked in a good 8+ years, we lost touch. But when I first met her and her sister Kiki, which was right after my mother died, she instantly took on the role of protector for me. This was during a time when who I thought was my best friend at the time, Wendy (with Debbie and Angel in tow), was cruising around trying to find me to beat me up. Yeah, she had abandoned me at a time that was so volatile for me. I had had 3 suicide attempts and I was looking to die. Gang violence was a means to that end for me without breaking the promise to my dad to not take my own life. Jay understood in that moment that I didn’t want to be doing the things her and her sister were into (I honestly don’t think she wanted to be doing those things either), so she took the stance of “surrogate mother”, as crazy as that sounds because she was my age. But NO ONE was going to touch me, rape me, get me involved in drive-bys, or abuse or use me for my car or my dad’s money, nothing. She saved me in every way a person could be saved. I am very happy to have her back in my life. And for anyone that may think she’s some sort of consolation prize or something like that, you are is SADLY mistaken. What I learned from Jay has been to never judge a book by its cover; always look past what you immediately see.

My dear friend Angel:  I have managed to move past a lot of the things in our youth with Angel. She has apologized for a lot and I have too. We have found forgiveness together. I love her inner spirit. Since we were young she has been a fighter, still is one. Angel’s biggest issue comes from the value she puts on others’ view of her and her actions in life. She will self-admit this, she worries too much about what people think of her. In that struggle, she hides behind a thick outer wall that is very hard to penetrate. Sometimes she lies about the people she loves most because she wants other people to see her in a different light. But see, I see Angel for everything. She cannot hide from me. I get deep with her and she knows it. She just has to admit she’s at fault for some things in her life and let the judgment of others fall off her back. She’s still learning to do that. What I have learned from her is loyalty. She’s always been fiercely loyal to her friends and family.

My dear friend Jason (Angel’s little brother.): Jason I met of course through meeting his older sister, Angel. Jason is adventurous and wonderful. He has a sense of wanting to see, to feel, to experience everything. He longs for that. He’s incredibly smart and funny and has so much potential to him. What drew me to him is that he was just so eager to learn, from me or from others in the world. He’s an amazing father to his girls and is very devoted to them. What I have learned from Jason is that some people come into your life by chance and they can surprise you to become some of your closest and dearest friends. So always take the time to meet them, even if they are older or younger or have different interests, don’t be afraid to meet them.

My ex-boyfriend Benoit: I met him at a time in his life that was so tumultuous for him. His mother was very ill, dying slowly. And he was tasked with becoming a man before he was ever allowed to be a child. I guess that’s why I was attracted to him initially — he was extremely mature for his age. But once his mother died, he turned into something ugly, I’ll venture to say even evil. He rebelled against anything that his mother would have wanted for him, he turned to his father which was a terrible example. I was simply a casualty of that change in him. I believe that his actions towards me at the end of our 5 year relationship will be something he thinks about every day. When he looks back on his life or if he has children, he’s always going to be reminded of me and that period of his life where he went insane. He threw me away like trash in a homeless shelter, pregnant with his children and sick as a dog. That’s not something a sane person would do. What I learned from him was that EVERY person has the ability to change for the worse, especially when they are not surrounded by love in their life. And that’s what an absent father or the death of a mother at a young age can do to you. And if that change comes, its up to you to let it define you or rise above it. Ben, never rose above it.

 

If you didn’t make this list, its not because I don’t have anything to say about you. Its because I am still discovering things about you.

~ Maria

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.