May 30th, 2013

I went to my therapist yesterday. We talked about several subjects that included my sister, my friend, my company and this site.

My Sister

So my sister has yet to reach out to me, after I reached out and wrote her on Facebook. I was very clear with her that I cannot move forward until she realizes that I have fought very hard to move past my anger with Daddy and she cannot bring back to that place. She has yet to work on her issues with Daddy and that should in no way hinder my relationship with her.  I shouldn’t be scared to mention his name when I speak to her. Especially after being asked a question and the answer involves him. I mean can we please move on? Its been 30+ years since my parents’ marriage failed. That had NOTHING TO DO with us, we were children (not matter how young or old) and mistakes were made on both sides, not just one.

Once again, I feel my sister abandons me first chance she gets.  It is why I have such a hard time letting her in because at the first sign of struggle, she just bails.  Just like she did when Mommy was sick, after Mommy died, and the last 20 years of my life. She is all-consumed in her hatred of Daddy that she cannot see the faults and flaws of my mother.  She has elevated her to a state of sainthood that I know my mother wouldn’t want to be in. I know her! It was not my mom’s goal in life to be a saint! She was very human and I loved that about her. I learned more from my mother’s mistakes than I ever did from anything she could have taught me. I also learned a lot from my father’s mistakes too. All of which define me. Not only their lessons, but their struggles. I cannot fathom or comprehend not putting value in that.

The story is this: I asked her to see if she could find any paperwork on my parents naturalization and/or their marriage certificate. When she asked me why, I told her the troubles I am having attaining a new passport to prove I am a citizen of the U.S. I was born a citizen because I was born to two naturalized U.S. citizens. Reason is my step mother destroyed a lot of the documentation that my father held in his office after his death.

She asked me, “Why would Darlene turn against you like that? I thought you had a good relationship.” — are you kidding me? I felt that was a jab at me because I as a young girl spent weekends with Daddy at his house and Darlene was okay with me then.  Its like she expected me to hate him and want nothing to do with him like she did when I am just 12 years old. I am just trying to spend time with my dad, who was a PRESENT father. He was very involved in my life and helped my mother many times over with the house and things breaking and cars breaking down and so on.

Well I proceeded to try to answer her question, I let the comment about Darlene slip past. I said, “Well I think its because when Mommy got sick, Daddy was there to care for her almost every day and Darlene didn’t like that at all… ” and almost immediately she started her thing about “Well he only did that because he felt guilty for being the cause of her illness, and blah blah blah… ” and when I said to her, “I don’t really care WHY he was there, only that he WAS there.” She flew off her rocker on me over the phone, started yelling at me, cursing at me, accusing me of always standing up for Daddy, and forgetting about Mommy. And she just got louder and louder and louder… and I couldn’t even get a word in edgewise. I kept trying to say, “Look I don’t care… I am just trying to answer your question!” And then….  she hangs up on me.

What I was trying to say was that since my dad spent a lot of time over at my house helping my aunts and me care for my dying mother, that that act built strife in Darlene — of course it would. When she came over to the house raging mad that he once again wasn’t coming home to her, he flat out said (I heard it with my own ears) that she’s never to step foot near this house and that he was not going to leave his underage child alone through this devastating time. It was his responsibility to be there for ME (ME…. not just my mom!!!) as a parent and if she didn’t like she could kick rocks. So say what you want about that man, his mistakes, his heart breaking ways, but he loved his children — my sister too.

So once again… I wait. Maybe I’ll reach out again, but why is it always my responsibility to do so?  I don’t know. Maybe its the fact that you know I remember a time when my sister was a second mother to me. And maybe I still see her that way. And maybe she really doesn’t know or understand how much she has hurt me. She has always put someone or something else first — whether it was her lover Miriam or her hate for Daddy — its always something that’s more important than her sister. Her BABY sister. *shakes head*

My Friend

For 16 years I have stood by this girl’s side. Boy I tell you, man after man after man, I have seen her try so hard to find happiness in someone else rather than herself. She has defined herself by the relationships she has had. She puts way too much importance in a man. Its lack of self-esteem, self-value. And you know her family life has been tumultuous. She too suffered a lot of physical abuse at a young age, which has made her very angry. She’s a quick fuse boy. Anything sets her off. Which makes it impossible to have a rational conversation with her. And with my ethnicity, my fuse is damn short too.

Finally she think she’s found the guy. And while applaud the work that her fiancé has done to get here, which took a lot of self-searching this relationship has not been steady at all. Its rocky at best. And she proves that by her actions. She consistently panics about her fiancé’s friends or co-workers.  If this man isn’t at home devoting all of his time to her, well… he must be cheating. Every few weeks, they fight and she’s off telling me that she’s called the wedding off and isn’t wearing her ring and then a few weeks later everything is back to being honkey dory. I mean… how rocky a relationship is that? You cannot go into a marriage like that. But far be it for me to tell her this.

The story is this: It was her day off. She called me all panicked about some girl that started working at her fiancé’s job. She is completely in an anxiety ridden state that is manifesting physically; she tells me she’s shaking and cannot breathe nor control herself. I try to tell her that she cannot be marrying this man when she’s feeling like that. That she needs therapy to overcome these anxieties. I am a sane person. She tells me that HE has told her the same thing. Okay… well. DO IT. But she won’t seek help. Drove me up a damn wall for an entire week with this bullshit. She wanted my advice and my opinions and all that but only when its convenient for her.

Fast forward to a situation with her wedding. First of all… after 16 years, almost 3 of them living together as roommates… she thought that I would be okay with her asking some girl she’s known for 2 years or so to be her maid of honor because — (and I quote) “You don’t live down here to help me with anything and she’s offered to help me.” I get that I moved to NY and have a life here. But when I was originally planning my wedding, I didn’t even ask her — it was common knowledge that she’d be my maid of honor. There was no questions about that for me. No matter where she is. I expected too much. At first I tried to play it off, I said, “Ohhh okay.” but an hour later I called her and I let her have it. I said, “You know what, it does bother me. Because I think of you as my sister and thought you thought of me in the same way. Thus it wouldn’t have been a second thought.”

Next day she calls me and tells me that she’s changed her mind and that she does love me as a sister and that how could I think differently and blah blah blah. Okay. So I am “second-string” maid of honor… excellent.  Then it comes to the dress. She wanted red. Great — I look FABULOUS in red. Then she chose her wedding dress and the dress she chose — pretty yes — was very …. simple. She couldn’t choose a bridesmaid dress that had jewels and rushing and all this elaborate stuff on it… I mean how horrible would that look? I suggested she go with black dresses and red accents so that her dress stands out more and isn’t drowned out by the red. She nixed that. Fine.

We agree on a dress for me to try on. So I go to David’s Bridal, try on the dress she wanted me to try on and one other dress. She hates them. Okay great. Let’s find another dress. She gets one that she likes, so I make another appointment with David’s Bridal and go to try it on. This dress is made for skinny girls with little boobs, aka NOT ME.  I send her pictures and when I tell you that I was popping out all over in this dress, I mean really it would be rated X wedding with my boobs all popping through. That’s just NOT CUTE. But instead of her trying to find another dress that was better suited to me as her maid of honor, she simply said… “That’s the dress I chose and I am sorry but its my choice.” So I am out of the wedding because I refuse to be the laughing stock of those wedding pictures and the rated X joke of the night and so on. Really we can’t find another dress?

She tells me that its fine if I don’t want to be in the wedding but that she’s not changing her mind about this dress. She then tells me that her fiancé (not her) invited our friends Adrian and Jay… like uhhhh what are you saying? I’ll have someone to hang out with? Nice. First of all Jay is like my dear friend and that’s a HIGHLIGHT for me and not some consolation prize, okay. Let’s get that straight. But you just chose a dress over your “supposedly best friend aka sister”. Tells me a lot.

I would have built my dresses around my maid of honor.. if something doesn’t’ fit her right, I would keep searching for something that did.  We have 6 months to do so!!!!  And since her other bridesmaids are mostly thin, they can wear anything.  But choose a dress that makes me comfortable and fits me right if I am supposed to be that important to you. Its supposed to be about the people you share the moment with, not some dress. But she doesn’t understand that.

None the less I try to brush it all off and whatever…. but then I am telling her that I am looking for my own bridesmaid dresses and that Jay is going to try some of the dresses I picked for her to try on sometime this week. And she proceeds to ask me, “How am I paying for all this?” Like are you kidding me? That was it, I lost my shit.  Like how are you paying it? And I said that and she says, “Well I work and my father.” Really? You know I do have a trust fund from my father. Like who asks that?!?  It was like she was dying to pick a fight.

And fight we did.

Who does that to someone that’s always been there for you… through every man that’s broken her heart, through the relationship struggles she’s had, through the medical situations she’s had (eating disorders, anxiety, depression, etc.) you name it and I’ve sat in a doctor’s office with her, through the troubles with her kids, her baby daddies, etc. etc. for SIXTEEN YEARS. I don’t know a single person that would agree with how she did that. And if Luke was here… he’d be like, “Told you!”. No doubt.

This was May 21…  *waits*

My Company

So I’ve taken steps to bring my websites up to date and start trying to recapture my former state of glory. This is a big deal to me because ever since Luke died I have been in a stand still.  I work occasionally for a few weeks here and there but haven’t worked consistently since his death. So for me to feel like I can get my mojo back is a GREAT sign.

Starting with Amplified Technologies and then moving on to the initiative that I’ve started called SharePoint RampUp, which focuses on building a SharePoint specific practice — whether in house or as consulting model.  Hoping to get a little sales lead and put together a mailout locally to see what I can do.  I’d like to put together a “Meet-n-Learn” lunch for local businesses.

This Site

Obviously I’ve started this blog and I am using it.  Basically its therapy in words.  Hopefully some of this helps others find their healing.  That’s really my hope. I want to be able to use my life as a “class” for others. I think I have a lot to teach and also a lot to learn and I hope this site helps me accomplish that.

~ M

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